I absolutely hate that this has to be my first post of the year but this incident really creeped the living daylights out of me and I have to do what I do best to help myself get over it—bitch!

I was walking back from my neighbourhood mall when I saw someone at the corner of my eye edging closer and closer to me. I turned to look out of curiosity and (to my disappointment, really...) it was a stubby middle-aged man ominously staring right at me. He had them crazy eyes (The kind that cartoons portray as hypnotic swirls?). I was about to turn away when he started to twitch his eyes and make clicking noises with his tongue (this guy is so weird!). It didn't bother me much as I assumed he was just craving attention from random passers-by and continued heading towards the pedestrian crossing. I wasn't going to give him the pleasure.

While waiting for the green man to flash, I heard what I never thought I'd be so frightened to hear—clicks. I looked back and saw the man behind, just inches away from me! I gave him an irritated look and tried to ignore his presence but his clicking noise did not fade even as I was crossing the road with a large crowd of people. I was flipping out, big time. All I could think of was how he wanted to bathe in my pool of blood! I ain't down with that. What did I ever do to him? I picked up my pace to try and lose him but I could still feel his disturbing aura tailing me all the way to my block (why is he so adamant?!). I made detours in hopes that he'll just get bored and go away but no, he actually ran after me! I entered the gate and quickly slammed it shut on his face! He actually attempted to get in! This man is crazy! He stood outside and continued with his eye twitching (it is so not cute, dude…) and tongue clicking. His stare was so uncomfortable that it gave me goosebumps. I hurried to the security guard on duty and informed him of the dubious intent of the man before looking back to give a cold stare. Not today, not ever, goodbye!

I have not a single clue to why I was even being tailed! Do I have gold nuggets hanging around my neck? Do I have a genie lamp in my bag? Do I have pizza wrapped around my body? Do I look like a supermodel from the pages of a magazine? No, right?! Now that I think of it, maybe all he wanted was to give me a million dollars (that I so very well deserve). In that case, hello there, strange but generous man. If you are reading this, please stop and email me for my bank account details.

To be honest, I don't know what came over me because Keefe would have just turned, confronted and, if all else failed, spat on his face. Perhaps it was because of the annoyingly eerie click noises that he was making… It sounded an awful like the crocodile from the Peter Pan movie! What was it even supposed to signify?


Anyways, as I am feeling very benevolent recently (I just donated S$2 to a group of girls selling handcrafted items for charity and did not take the souvenir!), I shall take time off my precious sleep to give some valuable tips to help aspiring (or existing and failing) stalkers out with their craft. I am not for it, but I strongly believe that the "stalkee" should have a pleasant experience during the stalking. Being a victim of a 10-minute stalking incident and having majored in Stalking Sciences back on planet Kayvan, I'd say that I'm qualified to share these tips.


Before all else, find a suitable target to stalk. What good is a stalker without a "stalkee"? Next, establish a motive. You have to have an idea of what you want from the process. Money? Food? Sex? Love? Revenge? Gratitude? (A fan photo?) All of the mentioned? Stalking someone without a (good enough) purpose is such a waste of time and you'd be better off watching 2 Broke Girls at home (so addicted to it currently!).


1. Look presentable.

Chances are, since you're in this specific line of career, you don't look presentable. (If you are, kudos to you! Your rate of success should be already passable, even if you are not very skilled at it.) It's something that you'll have to work on as it pretty much determines if you are going to get a coy "Oh my god, I think that person is stalking me…*chuckles*" or a panicky "Oh my god! I think that creep is stalking me! *breaks a cold sweat*" which basically means you accomplishing your goal or you behind bars (unless, well… that is your goal?). You have to make your "stalkee" feel flattered. Cosmetic surgery is a popular option, but I would suggest a trip to a nearby beauty parlor for starters. Your dressing play will a big part as well! How to dress? That leads us on to…


2. Be resourceful.

Nothing of your "stalkee's" is trash. Every sweet wrapper, every used tissue, every single slip of receipt that is tossed could be your key to success! (Notice that I only mentioned disposed items? Stealing is another craft altogether and I do not condone it.) That crumpled trash might jolly well give you knowledge of the one food/song/phrase that will pave the way to his/her heart. Also, their public social networking sites are like detailed dairies written especially for your viewing and learning pleasure. Make the most of it! Remember to support their need for attention by liking and commenting (no creepy stuff!) on their posts. Score points!


3. Get to know your "stalkee's" schedule.

As a stalker, you have to know where to be at and at what timing to be just ahead of their arrival. You need exact coordinates and seconds to boost efficiency. Time wasted waiting could be better used for other things, like your day job (I hope you have one because stalking doesn't pay well, at least not all the time…) and personal grooming. Do not ask for their schedules! Take the initiative (read above pointer), and source it out from public domains (read above pointer as well!).


4. Be articulate.

The thing about my stalker (why does it sound like a term of endearment? Geez…) was that he did not utter a single word! That, and the horrendous clicking noise he kept making made him scary. If you wanna succeed (in whatever you want to succeed in), speak clearly and friendlily. Do not give your "stalkee" any reason to think that you're a creep because then it will be game over for you. You will be black-listed and it isn't going to be easy redeeming yourself. If you are facing difficulty with speech, write poems and letters! Most people might dismiss them as cheesy tactics but (in my humble personal opinion) their hearts yearn for such a sweet gesture. Real life is sad and bitter.

I do have a few more pointers in mind but I'm not that benevolent to spare more of my sleeping time on this (unless I get paid!). I really do hope that stalkers will be more mindful of the people that they are stalking and try to make the experience a pleasant one for both parties. Okay, goodnight.